Double Poem Post

The Silence Between Us

Sometimes I’ll wish upon a star, I will hope and dream,
That I would stop being afraid, that I would stop pretending everything’s ok.
I’ve been hurt too many times to believe that things could ever be different.
Why shouldn’t I just sit and be silent while things just pass me by?
It’s what I’m good at. I don’t like it but it’s true.
As much as I want things to be different, I can’t bear the guilt and shame
Of knowing I did something that caused you pain and grief.
I’m simply too afraid.
So I will just sit here in my empty silence and quietly hope
That you could see the way I wish things were.
Subtlety has never been my strong point,
So I keep my thoughts to myself.
My past experiences have taught me to expect things to not work out;
That eventually something will happen that causes irreparable damage,
And that it will be my fault.
I’ve been down this rod so many times that it’s all I know.

Here in my empty silence, I hide myself behind a variety of masks.
I hide my face, I hide my pain,
I hide my hopes and I hide my fears.
I hide the truth of what I’m really thinking,
Because how could you understand?
How could you ever feel about me the way I feel about you?
Would I even mean as much to you as you do to me?
It’s too much for me to hope for, sometimes.
I’ve taught myself to believe that I don’t deserve it;
That I’ve made too many mistakes for it to ever happen to me.

It’s the sparkles in your eyes, it’s the smile on your face,
And it’s the sound of your laughter that I just can’t turn away from.
I can’t explain how or why,
But there is something about them that captivates my attention.
I want to be the reason your eyes sparkle,
I want to be the one who puts a smile on your face,
And I want to be the one who makes you laugh.
I want to be the man you deserve to have and be with.
But I sit here and do nothing, and eventually you walk away,
And another opportunity quietly slips away.

I have only myself to blame. And I do.
I blame myself for all the hurt and pain I feel.
I tell myself that it’s my fault; that it’s always been
And always will be my fault.
Because I’m afraid.
Afraid of repeating a past mistake,
Afraid of feeling hurt, broken and alone.
Afraid of doing something to cause you pain.

If I broke my silence, what would I say?
How would I start and what would I do?
What would you say, and what would you do?
Would you be accepting of who I am and what I’ve done,
Or would you throw it all in my face and laugh
While I feel myself shatter into a thousand pieces?
Would you see the kind of person I’m trying to be?
I know I’m not perfect by any means.
I’m beaten, battered and scarred.

And what about you?
I wonder about that too.
Do you catch me stealing glances in your direction?
I don’t mean to stare.
Do you see me making an excuse to ‘run into you’ a lot?
I’m trying to be inconspicuous about it.
Do you look at me when I turn away,
And wish I would talk to you already?
I’m just trying to find the right words to say.
And when you leave, does it hurt you to walk away,
As much as it hurts me to see you go?

There are so many things we leave unsaid,
So many things we’re afraid to voice.
We’re all afraid of being hurt; afraid of being alone;
Afraid of the pain that comes with a broken heart.
We’re afraid of not being loved by someone
Even though they know the worst thing about us,
The thing we’re most ashamed of.
We hide so many things from each other so often,
That soon all we can hear is the sound of the silence between us.

* * * * *

I Want To Let You Know

I’ve spent so much of my time building up my defenses,
protecting and guarding my heart.
I’ve tried to cover up the wounds, from all the times I’ve been hurt.
I’ve tried to conceal the truth, of the mistakes I’ve made.
I’ve avoided speaking out, about the pain I’ve caused.

I’ve spent so much of my time hiding behind a variety of masks,
keeping the truth of my thoughts and emotions deep inside.
I cannot look into your eyes, because I am afraid.
I cannot let my guard down, because I am scared.
I cannot let you know, because I am frightened.

I’ve spent so much of my time trying not to repeat my mistakes,
so that no one would be hurt because of me.
By doing so, I hurt you anyway.
By doing so, I make myself suffer.
By doing so, I cause the very thing I try to avoid.

I spend so much time trying to understand what I feel,
that I miss the opportunities to speak up and tell you.
I want to tell you, but maybe it’s not the right time.
I want to speak up, but maybe I won’t be able to find the words I want to say.
I want to let you know, but maybe you don’t feel the same way.

I want to break down these walls I’ve built, and let you inside.
I want to stop this charade, and show you who I really am.
I want to stop focusing on the past, and not be afraid to take a risk.
I want it to not be too late to speak my mind, even if my voice shakes.
I want to let you know, but I’m just not used to saying what I feel.